A Hard Battle

Jill recently told me about a sign that she had seen online. I don’t recall the exact words on the sign, but it read something like this: “Be kind to everyone, for we are all fighting a hard battle.” I have been thinking about these words a lot the past few days. These words have struck a chord in me, and they have troubled me.

I am not poor. Like most Americans, I have adequate shelter, food, and clothing, and I have clean, running water. I also have a computer, and Jill and I have a car. This places us among the wealthiest human beings who have ever lived. And, in fact, my family is upper middle class, which means that I have enjoyed unusual material blessings even for an American. I am not sick. Like many Americans my age, I am in good health, and though my insurance has a high deductible, I have access to quality doctors and hospitals. I am not lonely. I have a wonderful wife whom I love dearly, and I also have wonderful family and friends. And I have a great dog. I have been blessed with a great education, and I have had the opportunity to pursue many of my interests and passions at a high level. I have been blessed with a passionate nature – I can derive a great amount of pleasure from being in nature, listening to music, reading about politics, or cooking. Finally, I am a Christian – I have been called to know, love, and serve the one true God and His son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, through the power of the Holy Spirit. This is an indescribable blessing, and an inexhaustible treasure. How then can I presume to understand what it means to fight a hard battle?

I have suffered from severe depression and anxiety for many years, perhaps since childhood. To be honest, I cannot remember a time when I didn’t feel the presence of these two illnesses. I do not pretend that severe depression and anxiety compare with the sufferings experienced by hundreds of millions of people, including children, throughout the world today. Compared to many people who live in places such as Guinea, Bolivia, and Laos, I have been incredibly blessed notwithstanding my depression and anxiety. And that makes me quite sad. Nonetheless, I think that I can say in good conscience that I have been fighting a hard battle for most of my life. It would certainly be false to say that my suffering and anxiety have so consumed me that I have felt no happiness or joy, but I have spent months and even years largely locked away from the world in a dark, frightening prison. I have often despaired about getting better. Many days it seemed that I never would, and that it was my lot in life to live with depression and anxiety as constant companions, who might leave me for a moment but who were always sure to return.

Over time, my depression and anxiety had some pretty terrible consequences for my life. It became hard to focus on anything other than my state of mind for very long. When I finally sought treatment, I used the metaphor of a broken leg to explain my condition to my doctor – I have never broken a leg, but I imagine that it is very hard for someone with a broken leg to concentrate on much else than the pain one is experiencing. My depression and anxiety have been so painful at times that it has been difficult to give my undivided attention to anything outside myself. I began to isolate myself in various ways from family and friends. I can only liken this isolating tendency to the desire to avoid company when feeling sick. My anxiety made college – especially graduate school – extremely unpleasant. I won’t go into details except to say that nearly every aspect of my undergraduate and graduate studies was extremely anxiety inducing, which also contributed to my self-isolating tendencies. In addition, my anxiety severely affected my performance in school, and for the last six months I have been on the brink of quitting academia altogether as a result of my anxiety.

When I was young, I was rather compassionate and empathic. After suffering from years of depression and anxiety, I have become self-centered and cold. It is now very hard for me to feel much of anything when I hear terrible news, whether it be from a friend or from a news reporter. I have lost much of my empathy, and my compassion is largely gone. I find it difficult to make a real connection with anyone or anything, whether it be God, my family or friends, or my vocation. Fortunately, my relationship with my wife is great, but it too has suffered. I used to find joy in volunteering, but now it seems onerous. I find it incredibly difficult to motivate myself to answer God’s call to discipleship. I have recently begun to fear that I have never really known the Lord, and that I am not among His elect after all. With so little good fruit, what can I think but that the tree is dead? And if the tree is dead, then isn’t the Spirit absent? These are disturbing thoughts, to say the least.

Things began to improve a few years ago, but only very slowly, and my progress eventually came to a halt. About six months ago, things took a big step backward. This has been extremely scary.

Fortunately, things have recently begun to change. I have felt the Spirit on the move and at work in my heart. For the first time in my life, I have come to believe that full healing is not only possible, but that it is certain, and I believe that it will come soon. The Lord has laid true foundations in my heart, and He has begun to build on those foundations. He has been building solid structures. I feel my compassion and empathy returning. I am feeling much less inclined to isolate myself, and in fact I am feeling desirous of real community. And I am beginning to understand what real community is. There is so much to say. I am sure that I will have much to write about. Things are proceeding briskly, but there is a great deal of work to be done. I pray that the Lord will continue this work, and that He will make me whole, not just for my own well-being, but also that I might love Him better, and that I might love my neighbor better. I want to live, love, and serve. I can testify that the Lord lives, and that He is faithful, and that He is busy at work among us, renewing His creation and rescuing it from all evil and harm. Any words of praise or thanks that I can muster now seem too small for their object, so let me just say this – glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Ghost, to the Three in One. Amen.